The Fragility of Life: Here and Gone

For the last few days, this feeling of dread and gloom has been eating away at me. This undying surge of dread that something terrible is about to happen, have you ever felt that?

This one life that has been given to us is extremely fragile. Think of a pristine ceramic bowl fresh out of an oven; as life takes its toll on this bowl. At first, there are cracks on the edges, then there are fractures. We futilely attempt to glue it together and make it go the extra mile. Then comes the eventual final breakage, the full stop. This bowl holds all our dreams, sadness, hope and everything in between. All the stories we made, the potential for greatness and so much love to give.

We as human beings should be accustomed to our limited lives, our fragility that is of the essence of our being. At least that’s what we are told. Then there is the survival instinct, the thing that makes us go on despite everything. To hold our fragility close, to make the cracks part of our being. In Japan, there is a practice called “Kintsukuroi” ( 金繕い), where broken bowls are repaired with lacquer dusted with gold or silver dust.

“Life, uh, finds a way” — Jeff Goldblum

As delivered by the finest actor that ever lived (I’m serious!), we find our ways into our lives. We even find ways to make cracked bowls more beautiful than it’s original state. Eventually to dust we return, when the fragility of life finally caves in. As our life escapes our bodies, we are leaving behind our broken cracks albeit covered with gold dust to our loved ones. Grieving is hard, the constant negotiation with the remnant and potential memories can leave even the toughest of beings exhausted. We find our way even through this arduous process.

We may know the way to grieve the loss of ones the closest to our heart but what about the ones we barely knew? How do you do that? This dread that has manifested into this episode of anxiety that I do not know the deal with. Maybe these deaths have made me realize of my own fragility or the ones closest to my heart. How do I escape this “feedback loop from hell”, this sudden existentialist crisis from nowhere?

I know I will find my way out of this but these questions are burning through me, heart beating like a drum and feeling like my body is giving up on me. We might be aware of our fragility, but these episodes make us face it head-on. Here we exist and then we are gone. Here we are breathing and then our chest caves in. Here we are pumping blood and then are turning pale. This absurdity of life might have been questioned a million times by thinkers all over, but it doesn’t make it any less. Our fragile existence is a sight to behold, all I think of doing right now is lacquer this crack, sprinkle gold dust and continuing on. My story, I feel like is just starting a new beginning.

PS. A loss of life is a sad event, I am not trying to take anything away from that but this is my feeble attempt at explaining how I feel about it.